Many schools of spiritual thought include dogma about romantic relationships. Very often that dogma is used to oppress and repress, and often causes great harm.

As a tarot professional, I spend a great deal of time speaking with people about their relationships. I find that, in many cases, I have to help clients slog through these harmful beliefs.

Depending on the school of thought and culture people come from, they may use different terms to describe a similar concept.

The central theme is generally that there is a particular person, somewhere in the world, who is destined to be your true love. In some schools of thought that person must be of the opposite gender, or of your same race, or it can’t be true love.

YouTube is full of tarot readers preaching about soul mates and twin flames. There are ‘love coaches’ who charge thousands of dollars to help you find your twin flame. These coaches teach these theories of soulmates and twin flames as fact.

No matter where we come from or what we believe, we can all understand why we have spiritual feelings about relationships. When we meet someone that we connect with we feel a sense of destiny. We feel our connection as a spiritual certainty. Sometimes it truly is. Sometimes, though, what we are feeling is more about chemistry and desire than spirituality.

The problems with propagating mystical beliefs about destined relationships are legion. In the course of my career, I have seen all of the following behaviors, and more.

People stay in abusive relationships because they believe their abuser is their soulmate.

People eschew workable healthy relationships because they are waiting for a perfect connection.

People feel shame for bonding with someone, who, according to their religious dogma, shouldn’t be their partner.

People who are sadly widowed don’t seek a new connection because they believe there is only one possibility for love in this life.

People resist healing from a breakup because they believe that the relationship was destined, and they did something wrong to change the course of destiny.

People refuse to develop communication skills in relationships because they believe that if something is meant to be, it will work effortlessly.

Lonely people refuse to be proactive in trying to meet people because they believe that destiny will do the work for them.

Happily single people feel pressure to be in relationship.

When it comes to theories about our spiritual nature as individuals, and in relationships, we have to remember that theories and beliefs are just that. Beliefs aren’t facts, no matter how closely those beliefs are held.

Love, in all its forms, is indeed a spiritual thing. Our ability to love one another is, to me, the surest proof of a Higher Power. Yet, in all things, God helps those who help themselves.

Good relationships are hard to find, and harder still to keep. When we over-spiritualize the concept of relationships, or the relationship we have or the relationship we lost, we make finding and keeping love harder still.