I think I’m both lucky and smart in love. I’m lucky because I married a great guy almost twenty years ago. I’m smart because I am able to use tarot and intuition to help all sorts of people in all kinds of love life situations. Just as nothing can be more joyful than love, nothing can be more frustrating and painful than romantic difficulties.

Over the many years I’ve spent helping people sort out their heartaches a few things have become clear to me. Here’s one of them.

People of all genders, all ages and all sexual orientations have one thing in common – we all want romantic love.  Well, not all people want romantic love– but most do.

Many people are lucky to find a relationship that suits their needs. They settle nicely into lifelong relationships. One thing most of those people will tell you if you ask is this. Maintaining a relationship is hard work. Even when you are with the right person, even when you are head-over-heels in love for decades, relationships require a lot patience, compromise, compassion and communication. The other thing they will tell you is that it is worth it all of that, and more.

Many other people are still searching for a right partner, or healing from something that didn’t work out.

One term I hear often from those who are searching and healing, but not from those who are happily partnered, is “soul mate.” Very rarely will I hear a person who’s been happily married for two decades refer to their spouse as a “soul mate.” Single people are looking for their soul mate. Recently jilted people are saying “But I thought we were soul mates!” There are spiritual leaders who make a lot of money telling lonely people how to find their “soul mate”.

I wish they would all use a different term.

“Soul mate” is a good term to use to describe someone who shares your values and ideology, or someone with whom you have a deep spiritual connection. A soul mate can be a creative partner or a work partner. A soul mate can be a person with whom you have a past life karmic connection. But to describe a workable love relationship as a “soul mate” relationship sets up unreasonable expectations. In many cases setting up those expectations causes single people to fail to find a workable partner and causes love partnerships to fail.

You could say this is simply an argument of semantics. If a person wants to use a particular term, what’s the harm?

In my mind, the harm is this. Finding and maintaining a relationship is hard enough without putting that kind of pressure on it.

Beyond that, the concept of “soul mate” in this context suggests that there is just one person who has been somehow spiritually ordained as a right partner for you. If you somehow fail to find that person, you had better get twenty cats and learn to knit.

There truth is this. There are many potential partners on the planet for each of us.

Often in the beginning of a relationship when the chemistry is really good and the couple is focusing on their similarities rather than their differences they will decide they are soul mates. When they break up a year later they may feel as if they have somehow messed up their one shot at love.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between great chemistry and a spiritual mandate.

Are there relationships that are indeed spiritually mandated? I believe that everything happens for a reason. If you have a lousy relationship perhaps there is something you need to learn from it. If you have a great relationship maybe there is a clear purpose for you to be together. Spirit is always present. If something doesn’t happen it is because Spirit didn’t ordain it.

Another problem with the soul mate concept is it may cause single people to be too picky. Yes, we need to be selective in love. On the other hand, if you are waiting for perfection you will be waiting for a very long time. Cue the kitties.

Long term relationships aren’t for the squeamish. But for those who are lucky enough to find one and make it work the rewards are spectacular. I think the process would be easier if we were looking for a true love with a decent human partner rather than a mythical “soul mate.”