Three Ways Romance Hurts Your Chances at Love

It’s a common stereotype. The lovelorn flock to the tarot table for advice, hope and understanding in matters of love. Like most stereotypes, there’s some truth there. Relationship issues are painful and confusing. A good tarot reading can help sort that stuff out.

I don’t believe that people need to be partnered to be happy. But if you want a partner and can’t find one, or if you are constantly disappointed in love, it might be time to make some changes. Surprisingly, sometimes it seems that romantic ideals and beliefs get in the way of building real relationships. Here are three ways we often let romance get in the way of love.

1. Do you confuse chemistry with destiny? “I loved him at first sight” or “I truly believe we are meant to be together” is something that you can say only in retrospect. If you felt the chemistry immediately and you are still together after twenty years you can make those statements. If you are saying these things about the person you’ve dated for six months you may be confusing a powerful attraction for a destined relationship. It’s just too soon to know if what you are feeling is a sense of destiny or just a sense of chemistry. And, chemistry alone does not a relationship make.

2. Do you believe that everyone has the same inherent understanding of love? “He told me he loves me, so I know he’ll never look at another girl.” If you are in a serious relationship, make sure you each spell out what love means to you, and the responsibilities you feel are incumbent upon those who are in love. Don’t assume anything. Love means different things to different people.

3. Can you tell the difference between being in love with a person and being in love with the idea of being in love? There are a lot of romantics in the world who love the idea of a relationship, who love the feeling of a new relationship but have a really hard time doing the work an actual relationship requires. If this is you, you will have a lot of work to do before you are ready for a real relationship. Your romantic notions don’t leave room for the reality of an actual relationship.
   And, if this describes the person who just dumped you out of the blue after promising you the world, now you know why.

Romance is a wonderful thing. But if you base your actions and expectations of a love relationship on romantic fiction your results will never be the happily-ever-after of books and movies. Love is a true and powerful force. Sometimes romance helps that force along, and sometimes romance gets in the way.

The Knight of Cups: Tarot Love at Samhain

This is the Samhain 2013 Tarot Blog Hop.
Joy Vernon's Blog is the one before mine. 
When you finish here please visit Rowan Tarot.
If you find a break in the chain visit the Master List.

Welcome to the Samhain 2013 Tarot Blog Hop. Eight times a year tarotists from all over the world blog together on the same topic. The Blog Hop happens on each spoke of the Pagan Wheel of the Year but is not specifically Pagan-themed. This time around our wrangler, Alison Cross, has asked us to blog on the topic of love and how it relates to tarot for us.

While Alison was clear to make a distinction between the topic and the holiday, for me there is no distinction. I celebrate Samhain as the Witch’s New Year, the Final Harvest and the time of the Thinning Veil. For me, each of these directly relates to love. The New Year is about self-love, offering the opportunity to manifest new things and release those things that no longer serve me. The Final Harvest is about love for the Earth that sustains us. The Thinning Veil is about the love I share with my ancestors who have gone before me and the spirits that guide and guard me every day.

Tarot seems to agree with both Alison and me that it is important to focus on love at this time of year.

All tarotists have the experience of having one card consistently come up over a period of weeks as if saying “pay attention to me, pay attention to me.” For me recently that card has been the Knight of Cups, the bringer of love.

A few weeks ago I made a video about the Knight of Cups in response to a question from a student. This past Sunday on my weekly webcast, Christiana’s Psychic Café, I pulled a card at random for our “Card of the Week.” It was the Knight of Cups. Immediately thereafter my guest Tarot Dactyl pulled the Knight of Cups for the first two on-air readings she did.

Then, while making my weekly newsletter I pulled a card at random for my “One Card Weekly Reading” feature. Can you guess what the card was? That’s right, the Knight of Cups.

That the Knight of Cups has been showing up so often at this Samhain season and that Alison chose “love” as our topic is a synchronicity I cannot ignore.

The Knight of Cups is often seen as a card of romance, but this card, and love itself, is so much more than romance. The early Greeks had four words for the different types of love – agape, storge, philio and eros. In our culture, and often specifically in tarot reading, we tend to think of love only as eros, the romantic kind of love.

When I pulled the Knight of Cups at random for the newsletter all I could think of was that cheesy Burt Bacharach song from my childhood, “What the World Needs Now is Love, Sweet Love.” In fact, that song is now a brainworm entrenched in my head. Maybe that’s not a bad thing.

Here’s what I think is happening. As the veil between the worlds is thinning, Spirit is giving us a clear directive. That directive is heard through tarot, though meditation and in many other ways by those who make a point of tuning in. That directive is love.

The Knight of Cups insists that we bring the energy of love wherever we go, that we nurture love in our hearts and minds. The Knight of Cups directs us to bring love, to seek love and to be love.

Love is the antidote to fear and hatred. Love is the clearest evidence of the existence of Higher Power. Love heals all.

Now, more than ever, love is what the world needs. 

Thanks for joining us on the Samhain 2013 Tarot Blog Hop.
If you are working backwards  Joy Vernon's Blog is the one before mine. 
The next blog in the chain is Rowan Tarot.
If you find a break in the chain visit the Master List.

Love is Patient

I am not a huge reader of sacred texts. Rather, I find sacred messages in many things, from the images of tarot to the lyrics of popular music. This past weekend, while giving readings at an outdoor event, some specific words from a sacred text popped into my mind for a particular client. I do try to have a few meaningful passages memorized, and I encourage my students to do the same. Sometimes meaningful and familiar words give a client something to hang on to for comfort and wisdom.

One of my favorite Biblical passages is Paul’s letter to the Corinthians about love. First Corinthians 13:4-8 is the clearest, most concise description of love I know. This weekend, what popped in my mind was only the first three words: love is patient.

Sometimes when we memorize lengthy passages the impact of short phrases gets lost. I don’t usually think about “love is patient” without continuing on to “love is kind” in a sing-song kind of way.

Love is patient.

Love is not just about specific relationships. Love is an energy that each of us generates and spreads through the world; some of us more than others. In the reading the message of loving patience was very important and timely for the client. But there was a message there for me, too.

While waiting in the restaurant for a slow kitchen to deliver my meal I became impatient. As I started glancing around and drumming my fingers on the table I remembered it again: love is patient. By being impatient I was being the opposite of loving.

The more patient I can be in life the more loving I will be in life. The more loving energy I am able to generate the more the energy that surrounds me will be of that high vibration – the vibration of love.

Suffering and Spirituality

So much modern spiritual practice suggests that our faith will bring us wonderful things during our lives. Many modern spiritual seekers are taught that here on Planet Earth we all deserve good things, and we all deserve the same good things. We all deserve to be healthy, and we all deserve to be wealthy.

If we do not have health or wealth we must have done something wrong, either in thought or action, to no longer deserve these things.

I think the word "deserve" needs to be thrown out the window. This is a word we use to judge each other. This is a word we use to justify greed. This is a word we use to overblow our importance on the planet.

Do we, as spiritual people, tell the person who just lost his legs in an accident that he didn't deserve legs? Do we believe some appallingly angry god didn’t want him to have legs? Should he believe that his own negative thoughts cost him his legs?

There are many spiritual teachers of many religions who teach exactly that.

Many people struggle with the concept that bad things sometimes happen to good people, and that good things sometimes happen for people who don't seem to "deserve them."

Social media is filled with memes about "karma," as if karma is some kind of hateful payback machine.

Some of these memes suggest that we should take delight in watching our enemies suffering and getting what they "deserve."

On the other end of the spiritual spectrum are religions whose beliefs include the need for self-inflicted suffering. There are Islamic sects that encourage even young children to celebrate certain holidays by slashing themselves with razor blades.

Research has revealed that Mother Teresa denied the children in her care pain-killers and hygiene because their suffering would bring them closer to Jesus.

Some traditions of modern Paganism practice scourging (ritual beating) to increase discipline and hasten enlightenment.

What do we learn from looking at these wildly divergent perspectives on suffering and spirituality?

Here's what I think.

If you live on Planet Earth you will suffer. Sometimes your suffering will be visible to others. Sometimes it will be something that no one else can see.

We can use that inevitable suffering to help us grow, learn and become stronger. Our suffering can increase our enlightenment and spiritual understanding, or our suffering can separate us from our Higher Power. It all depends on how we use our suffering, and how we find meaning in it.

Blessings and suffering are never about what we deserve. As soon as we start thinking in terms of what we, or what other people, deserve (good or bad) we have missed the point completely.

If we compare our scorecard of blessings vs. suffering to other people's scorecards we have also missed the point.

If we, as adults, chose ritual deprivation, scarification or mutilation to aid us spiritually, that's fine. If we choose it for our children we are not spiritual, we are abusive.

When we are suffering it is appropriate to think about how we have invited that into our lives, how we can heal from it and how we can learn from it. It is not appropriate to immediately assume that all suffering is subconsciously self-induced, or visited upon us as punishment from a Higher Power. Sometimes the Universe sets up challenges for us to bring us to a place of spiritual understanding. Sometimes we need to go through difficulty to get to something better.

When we see others suffer it is important for us to lend aid in whatever way we can. If we delight in the sufferings of others, even of those who have wronged us, we have again missed the point.

What is the point? Every spiritual text, every divination tool and everything in my being says that the point is love. The point is always love. The point is never vengeance. The point is never about balancing the scales to the satisfaction of the individual.

When we suffer, love is our salvation. When others suffer, we have the opportunity to grow in our service to them; in our understanding of love.

Neither great wealth nor great poverty can enhance our understanding of love. Neither great fortune nor great adversity can keep up from love. Nothing can shield us from a certain amount of suffering, either, and that's as it should be.

Love and Money

“Did you mention, when you predicted my marriage, just how much work marriage would be?”

 

Actually, I probably didn’t.

 

Love relationships are tricky.  Most people want a love partnership.  Fewer people are satisfied with their current relationship situation and/or status.  Many people, like the friend I mentioned above, are surprised by the amount of work it takes to maintain even a great relationship.

 

What does it take to keep a relationship going?  Compromise, certainly, along with humor and compassion.  A willingness to apologize even if you don’t think you were wrong.  Patience is important, too.  Of course, the most important ingredient is love – unconditional, bountiful love.

 

Many of the single people (both gay and straight) I know have a list of the qualities they are looking for in a potential partner.  Sadly, the qualities that it takes to keep a relationship going aren’t often high priority on the list.

 

What is high on the list for many folks is money.  “I want to meet someone with money,” folks say to me without shame.  “If they don’t have money, I’m not interested.”  When I predict a great relationship coming their way, often the first question is “Do they have money?”

 

I wonder why so many people seem to value money more than they value love.  Given what it takes to hold a relationship together, I wonder how people expect to maintain their relationship without love.  Of course, if they can stay married long enough and avoid a prenuptial agreement they can always get a good settlement in the divorce.

 

Comedian Lewis Grizzard said, "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."  That is brilliant, hilarious, and really, really sad.  Those who fear that marriage equality threatens the sanctity of holy matrimony need to realize that it is already in shambles.

 

My friend Blaire Allison, the Love Guru, just posted a great video on her website that really says it all.  She feels we should not be looking for a partner to “complete us” a la Jerry Maguire.  We need to be complete within ourselves in order to find the right partner.  That means complete emotionally, and financially.  I agree completely.

 

I had a friend tell me she was looking for a romantic partner to “take care of her.”  I responded with “Yes, it is wonderful to have someone with whom to share your life.”  She said, “No, I don’t want to share my life with anyone, I just want someone to take care of me.”  As the conversation continued, it became clear that she was also not interested in being someone’s mistress.  Nor did she, at 50 years old, want to be a stay-at-home-mom.  She requires a monogamous relationship with someone who has enough money to keep her in the style to which she would like to become accustomed.  Oh, and the prospective partner also has to be physically fit, and good looking.  Clearly, she may not get what she wants out of life.

 

I had another friend, an older woman, tell me she really wanted to meet a man so she could feel more financially secure, and if she needed work done around the house he could help her out.  My response was, “If you found such a man and he suffered an accident, lost all his money to medical bills and could no longer hang your shelves and change your light bulbs, what would you do then?” 

 

So how did we, as a society, create so many people who lack financial confidence, feel deserving of wealth they didn’t acquire themselves, and have no interest in actual love?

 

I think a lot of the problem is that people don’t know what love is, or understand why it is valuable.

 

Pagan though I am, I think a great description of love can be found in the Christian Holy Bible, in Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

That pretty much sums it up for me.  How about you?