Don’t Let Your Past Dictate You Future!

Here’s a conversation that seems to happen a great deal.

You: “I am sure I will never meet someone to have a relationship with.
Me: “What makes you sure about that?”
You: “I haven’t met anyone yet.”

There are other versions of that conversation, too, including the one that goes like this.

You: “I know I will never have a good love relationship.”
Me: “How do you know that?”
Client: “Because I never have.”

It’s true that sometimes when we want different results, we have to do different things. Nonetheless, it feels dangerous to assume that whatever has been true about our past will also be true about our future.

The dichotomy is this. It’s human nature to fear change. So if we want something different in the future than we had in the past, we have to be open to change, and willing to make change.

We can learn from the past. We can allow the past to create a foundation for the future. We can make changes, so we don’t repeat the past.

We don’t have to let our past dictate, or predict, our future.

Three Ways Romance Hurts Your Chances at Love

It’s a common stereotype. The lovelorn flock to the tarot table for advice, hope and understanding in matters of love. Like most stereotypes, there’s some truth there. Relationship issues are painful and confusing. A good tarot reading can help sort that stuff out.

I don’t believe that people need to be partnered to be happy. But if you want a partner and can’t find one, or if you are constantly disappointed in love, it might be time to make some changes. Surprisingly, sometimes it seems that romantic ideals and beliefs get in the way of building real relationships. Here are three ways we often let romance get in the way of love.

1. Do you confuse chemistry with destiny? “I loved him at first sight” or “I truly believe we are meant to be together” is something that you can say only in retrospect. If you felt the chemistry immediately and you are still together after twenty years you can make those statements. If you are saying these things about the person you’ve dated for six months you may be confusing a powerful attraction for a destined relationship. It’s just too soon to know if what you are feeling is a sense of destiny or just a sense of chemistry. And, chemistry alone does not a relationship make.

2. Do you believe that everyone has the same inherent understanding of love? “He told me he loves me, so I know he’ll never look at another girl.” If you are in a serious relationship, make sure you each spell out what love means to you, and the responsibilities you feel are incumbent upon those who are in love. Don’t assume anything. Love means different things to different people.

3. Can you tell the difference between being in love with a person and being in love with the idea of being in love? There are a lot of romantics in the world who love the idea of a relationship, who love the feeling of a new relationship but have a really hard time doing the work an actual relationship requires. If this is you, you will have a lot of work to do before you are ready for a real relationship. Your romantic notions don’t leave room for the reality of an actual relationship.
   And, if this describes the person who just dumped you out of the blue after promising you the world, now you know why.

Romance is a wonderful thing. But if you base your actions and expectations of a love relationship on romantic fiction your results will never be the happily-ever-after of books and movies. Love is a true and powerful force. Sometimes romance helps that force along, and sometimes romance gets in the way.

Emotional Danger

Don’t we all have someone in our lives whose way of looking at the world and interacting with others is a little bit off?

Sometimes they have actually diagnoses. Sometimes they should have a diagnosis but don’t. Sometimes their behavior is so unique that there isn’t a diagnostic category for them.

Many times these people – our lovers, our parents, our siblings, our friends or our adult kids – are harmful to us.

On the other hand, we may know people with complex diagnoses who are not harmful to us. Just because someone deals with mental or emotional problems doesn’t mean they can’t make valuable contributions in a family or social setting.

The tricky part is in knowing whether the situation is dangerous, whether we can help and what to do.

The legal litmus for whether an emotionally disturbed person can function in society is simple. They must not be a danger to themselves or a danger to others.

In that case, the danger is assumed to be specifically physical. But what happens when we find ourselves connected to someone who poses an emotional danger to us?

Here are some things to consider.

1. A person can be completely sane and still be an emotional danger. Some people trigger us in ways that aren’t helpful. Often it is not their fault. We still need to recognize it and walk away.

2. Many times people with emotional, personality and mental disorders are very charming and dynamic. We become enamored of their charisma before we realize the problems they have.

3. The biggest mistake we make is trying to understand the crazy things people do and say. We become confused and angered by contradictory statements and manipulative behavior.

4. When we love someone it is hard to believe they are actively manipulating us.

5. When we love someone we often have denial about the obviously crazy things they do.

6. Sometimes it’s hard to understand that they can’t just change their behavior overnight.

In a situation with someone who may pose emotional danger, many times our first reaction is “How can I help?”

The answer is, you may or may not be able to!

If the person is open to therapy, it might be good to start there.

Another way to help is to never take their words or actions personally. You know this is how they are, don’t let it get to you! If you can’t do that you need to walk away.

When you talk with the person about your concerns and try to help them think more logically, do it at a time when they are calm and not upset.

Sometimes there is really nothing you can do. If it is time to walk away, walk away clean. No phone calls, no texts, no lunch, no drinks. Over is over.

No one is the perfect picture of mental health. We all have issues. The people we love have issues. That’s just life. Sometimes we trigger each other’s issues. Sometimes we heal each other. Sometimes love makes a real difference in a person’s life. Sometimes love is the greatest healer.

Sometimes, though, the most loving thing we can do, for ourselves and others, is to walk away from a hurtful situation. Even when it is someone we love. Even when it is someone who claims to need us.

Knowing when to walk away or when to try to make it work is the hardest thing. Many times that decision should be based on two things.

First, what is the person’s demonstrated capacity to heal, understand, and improve?

Second, what is your capacity to not be upset by the person’s difficult behavior?

If you can’t ignore it and they can’t grow, you may have no other choice than to set the boundaries you need to protect yourself from emotional danger.

How to do a Cord-Cutting Ritual to Heal from an Unhealthy Relationship

What is the Cord, and Why Cut it?

Recently a metaphysical media maven suggested to me that it was a good idea to do energy work to reunite couples even when one member of the couple does not want the reunion. This has been a trick of shyster psychics for generations – some even print claims on their business cards that they can “reunite lost love”.

One of the reasons for doing this kind of work given me by this otherwise compassionate and intelligent individual has to do with the energy field.

The idea is that when people are in relationship their energy fields (auras) meld. When they separate, they are still in each other’s energy fields.

Similar theories suggest that this is true of any relationship, not just romantic relationships. Families are held together by energetic cords even when they are not physically in proximity to one another.

Therefore, the reasoning goes that once we are in each other’s energy fields we are best to stay together.

The problem with the idea that we should strive to always be with the people with whom we share energy is this. Sometimes those people are dangerous to us. Sometimes those people are abusive of us. Sometimes it is simply not healthy for us to be around certain people – even if they are family members, or even if we love them.

It’s important to remember that in romantic relationships love is not the only necessary component. Just because we love someone does not mean we should be partnered with them. Often we need a relationship to fail to figure that out.

I am always puzzled by the people who are sure that a particular person is their destined partner when that particular person is simply not interested, or no longer interested. If a partnership is spiritually ordained can’t we assume that both people would feel it and want it?  To suggest to a person struggling with the pain of this situation that there is a magical remedy that could reignite love is simply disingenuous for three (obvious) reasons. First, giving false hope is hurtful. Second, as long as one is clinging to that false hope they are unable to heal. Third, to use energy work to manipulate someone into doing something they would not do on their own breaks many rules of ethics. A person who chooses to be with someone because they have unknowingly received energy work is not acting of their own free will. That cannot be “love” in any sense.

There is something that can be done to help a person who is trying to stay away from an abusive partner or trying to have good boundaries with a toxic family member. A forlorn lover unable to unite or reunite with the person they desire will also find this process helpful and healing.  Once the healing is complete the person will be truly free to pursue the relationships that will be most healthy and rewarding.

How to Cut the Cord

This method can be performed for you, or you can perform it yourself. I think most people believe it is best to do it for yourself because the energy will be fed by your own strong emotions.

The ritual is called “Cutting the Cord.” Its purpose is to sever the energetic cord between you and another person.

You can be as ceremonial or as casual as you like. You need to perform this ritual in sacred space, whatever that means to you. Simply, prepare yourself and your space by praying, meditating, lighting candles or incense, invoking angels, ancestors or the Four Elements. Whatever is appropriate for your spiritual beliefs and cultural practices will work to prepare you for this ritual.

To perform the basic ritual you need a string. It can be a thread, yarn, or a cord. If you want to choose a particular color, black is preferred. If you want to choose a particular length, a number of inches or feet that is a multiple of nine is preferred.

If you have a picture of yourself and a picture of the person from whom you are separating you can use pictures in this ritual. Otherwise simply write your name on a piece of paper and write the other person’s name on another piece of paper.

The physical action is simple. Roll up each picture or name and tie one end of the cord to each. With a pair of scissors or knife cut the cord in the middle. When you make the cut focus your emotions and visualize that you are severing the energy that ties you together.

If you want to add some power to your ritual you can use a candle to sever the cord with fire. You may choose a candle to represent your healing, strength and wholeness. You may “dress” the candle by anointing it with oil and inscribing it with symbols that are meaningful to you.

Dress the candle first, then tie the cord to the pictures or papers, then light the candle.

As you watch the candle burn see yourself as whole and well, and see your heart as healed.

When you use the candle to sever the cord picture each of you as whole and well.

Remember this is not meant to hurt the other person. This ritual should be healing and freeing for both of you.

Once you have cut the cord you are free to heal your heart, and to love again in healthier ways.

When the ritual is over dispose of the two lengths of cord in separate places, unless you are able to burn them. Likewise with the two pieces of paper. If you used pictures and want to keep them you should store them separately.

If you use a candle, burn it fully to support your heart as it heals.

With your heart healed, go forward merrily into life, being open to love and fulfillment.

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I'm available to read for you by phone, FaceTime or Skype, or in person if you happen to be in the Tampa area. Call or text 561-655-1160, or email me!

Getting Along

I'm sure many people notice synchronicity in their lives. Tarot readers may notice it more because it shows up in readings as well as in their own lives.

The sort of synchronicity I mean is this. A particular theme shows up as a type of problem that everyone seems to be having at once.

The one that happened to me this week teaches a lesson that I have already learned. So why did it show up for me? I think it showed up because I was able to offer appropriate advice that came both from my own heart and from the cards.

The theme of the week was "getting along with others." This theme showed up especially in business relationships and friendships.

When we talk about the importance of getting along I need to make one thing clear. There are times, especially with families and spouses, when we need to understand the differences between misunderstandings and abuse.

Every family will suffer misunderstandings that are born of stress, personality differences and differences of opinion. Sometimes family relationships (and romantic relationships) can become toxic and/or abusive. When this is the case we need boundaries. Sometimes we need to practice compassionate detachment and end the relationship.

The relationship issues that have come up as a theme for me this week are not about those kinds of relationships. The kinds of relationships I am addressing here are relationships that are an obvious mutual benefit but have run into trouble.

The basic question is this. What happens when you and a friend or business associate are angry with each other?

Somehow anger and hurt feelings often cause us to lose the rational, mature mind and revert to acting like pedantic children in the sandbox. Pride and ego keep us from extending the olive branch. An apology seems like a sign of weakness.

Tarot offers solutions to these problems both in the act of tarot reading and in the spiritual messages from individual cards.

Major Arcana 8, Strength, reminds us that we are strongest when we come from a place of love rather than anger. If we can initiate solving the problem in a loving way we have an opportunity to become the bigger person. It's called the high road for a reason!

Major Arcana 11, Justice, reminds us to do the right thing, no matter what. We cannot let hurt and anger define our moral compass.

Major Arcana 20, Judgment, teaches us to put closure to upsetting incidents and move forward, led by the voice of the angels.

In tarot numerology six can be about victory, glory and service. The sixes in the Minor Arcana each give us an indication of ways to handle conflict.

The Six of Swords tells us to let logic be our guide rather than emotion.

The Six of Cups reminds us to honor our longstanding relationships.

The Six of Pentacles reminds us of the need to help each other and treat each other fairly.

The Six of Wands is the card of victory. When we can handle situations with grace, ease and fairness then everyone wins!