Stereotyping Limits us All

My least favorite thing about social media is some of the memes people share. Yes, some are funny and some are inspirational. Nonetheless, I would rather read my friends’ original thoughts.

It also seems that people share things without really thinking about them. So many memes, especially the political ones, are filled with misinformation and half-truths. People share them anyway.

The ones that drive me most crazy, though, are the ones that are supposed to be funny, cute or meaningful, but are really just hurtful.  Memes about gender stereotypes come to mind as a prime example.

I have always hated gender stereotypes. In kindergarten I was reprimanded for playing with a “toy for boys.” I had to relinquish the airplanes to a group of boys, simply because of their gender, and mine.

When my son was about the same age he came home from school with a revelation. He had discovered that, in some families, the mommy did the food shopping and cooking and the daddy went to work outside the home.  He had come to the deduction, based on his observation, that either gender could perform either task. My heart burst with pride. I was doing my part to remove gender stereotypes from our culture in the next generation.

Of course, my optimism was premature. My son is an adult now, and I see plenty of evidence that we still cling to the idea that men do certain things and women do certain other things, and that men are one way and women another.

It seems first-world-problemy to talk about gender issues here in the US, while our sisters on the other side of the world deal with oppression on a scale that seems beyond our comprehension.

On the other hand, we need to fight the battles that happen on our turf. Here in the US we are lucky that, these days, many of our battles involve words, rather than bullets.

The words in my sites right now are from a cutesy meme that says, “Your husband will always be your biggest and oldest child that requires the most adult supervision.”

It is everything I can do, when I see this meme posted (at least once a day) not to unleash a sputtering troll-fest of ridicule on someone’s wall.

Misandry is just as hurtful as misogyny, and just as dangerous. We say that men are immature, and then throw them in jail when they don’t take their adult responsibilities seriously and pay their child support. Does anyone else see a problem here? It doesn’t feel like we are doing everything we could to set our young men up for success if we expect them to never grow up.

Misandry is unfair to both men and women. In the example of this meme, we are telling women to expect men to behave a certain way (poorly) and to accept it with good humor when they do.

I think men and women are capable of better.

When we make assumptions about the way men are, or the way women are, we aren’t allowing people to simply be themselves. We aren’t encouraging people to be the best they can be.

When we propagate gender stereotypes we limit each other, and limit ourselves.

All stereotypes are limiting, but they are usually based on some grain of truth. For instance, boys really mature less quickly than girls.  The error comes when we assume that slow maturation is the same as no maturation.

What kind of limitless world could we create if we stopped expecting people to live up to our stereotypes of them?

Think about that the next time you are tempted to push the “share” button on a meme that promotes stereotypes!

Getting Real

I’m fascinated by the way we use the word “real.” “Real” can mean “authentic.” We sometimes use the word “real” to describe people who seem honest and unpretentious.

“Real” can also mean “true” and “existent,” as in “Faeries are real.”

“Real” can also mean “exemplary” and “definitive,” as in this Facebook meme I found today.

“A real woman can do it all by herself, but a real man won’t let her.”

A recent blog post gone viral on the Derniere website by E. Mackey, entitled “An Open Letter to Women: What Men Really Want” spoke a great deal about “real men” and “real women.”

I let myself get sucked into the comment war on that post. Along with many, I needed to point out the fallacies E. Mackey was enthusiastically promoting.

The thing I wanted to say, but couldn’t figure out exactly how, was this.
We can’t suggest that a particular behavior or attitude makes a person “real.” When it comes to gender, we can’t even say that physiology reliably denotes reality.

The word “real’ is hurtful in blended families. “But she’s not your real daughter.” “You’re not my real father.”

People have been throwing around the word “real” as a way of creating division for a long time. In church you might be accused of not being a real Christian. The same could happen at a Pagan event; group members might decide that you are not a real Pagan.

I’ll bet this comes up in every community. He’s not a real philatelist. She’s not a real nudist. He’s not a real Republican. She’s not a real feminist.

"Real" and "not real" are categories we use to judge each other.

How do we decide who is real? How is it we are audacious enough to try to rob an individual of their very being, denying them their sense of identity?

Sometimes people ask me if tarot is real. Those are the words they use. “Is tarot real?”

As a joke I usually pick the deck up and examine it. “Yup, it’s real.”

I know that’s not what they are really asking, though. They want to know if the experience that comes from tarot is valuable.

And maybe there’s the problem with the word “real.” It also means “valuable.” “These earrings are real,” means they are highly valued. A “real man” is a man who is valuable.

The problem is, it’s all subjective because we value different things.

We are all real. We all have a right to own the identity that feels real to us. No one should be able to take that way. Real men do all sorts of different things. Real women do all sorts of different things.

We can choose the sorts of people we want in our lives. But we are not choosing between real and unreal. We are choosing what works for us. Everyone has a right to be considered “real,” whether we are behaving in a way that a particular person finds acceptable, or not.