Backing Into a Delicate Reading

I still offer free classes and meetups after almost thirty years of being a full-time tarot professional. Informal tarot gatherings offer me the invaluable opportunity to learn how to describe, quantify, and teach the techniques I have developed innately over years of full-time tarot reading.

When I gather with other tarot professionals at conferences like StaarCon I discover that many of my peers have developed some of the same techniques. They may have similar or different ways of naming them and explaining them.

Tarot reading techniques are incredibly personal. No two readers will have the same style, though many of us share similarities in our ethics and approaches.

One way that readers differ from each other in is their ethical comfort and technique in handling delicate questions. Something came up during our recent Cards and Conversation Tarot Meetup at Panera Bread in Palm City. The way we handled it as a group helped me understand a technique that I have used unconsciously for years. The meetup brought this technique into focus for me, so now I can succinctly share it.

What is a delicate question for a tarot reader? Very often, questions related to health, especially in dire or extreme circumstances, can be one area of concern for readers.

Some readers simply refuse to answer any questions related to health. Some readers refuse any third-party questions. That is, questions about people who are not present and did not consent to be part of the reading.

Other readers try to work with every requested topic but may choose to rephrase the question. For instance, “What will be the outcome of my mother’s upcoming surgery?” might be rephrased to “What do I need to know about my mother’s upcoming surgery?” or “How can I best support my mother during her surgery?”

There are also readers who believe that the question should be posed of the cards exactly as the querent asked it, without any rephrasing.

I try to answer most questions client ask me. I will often rephrase, but I will not always make an obvious point of rephrasing.

At the meetup, we were doing readings for each other. One person would ask a question, and then anyone in the group who wanted to ring in would pull one card and give their answer.

The question that came up was regarding a family member in a precarious health situation. I used this as a teachable moment. I asked for a show of hands. If you received this question in a one-on-one setting, how many of you would politely refuse to answer? How many of you would offer prayer or tarot magic instead of prediction? How many of you would do the reading on the question as it was asked? How many of you would rephrase the question?

I tried to conduct this discussion in a way that was supportive of the person asking the question, and supportive of everyone’s thoughts about how they each might approach this delicate question.

Not one person in the group of fourteen people wanted to answer the question as it was asked.

We worked together on rephrasing the question. Then, those who felt called pulled single cards in answer to the rephrased question.

As the process unfolded, I noticed something significant. The cards that appeared in answer to the rephrased question were helpful when interpreted within the context of the new question, just as one might expect.

Yet, each of those same cards also had specific references within them to the original question. Each of the cards pulled to answer the rephrased question, if interpreted in answer to the original question, offered very specific information relevant to the original question. Nicely, these interpretations offered hope, solace, and the possibility of a positive outcome.

What happened here?

We know that we need to interpret cards in the context of the question asked, or the spread position in which they fall. But we also know that the cards we pull can offer additional information. In a positioned spread, cards can pop out of their position to offer extraneous and addition information, advice, and predictions. When answering a specific question, the card can be interpreted to answer the question, and then re-interpreted to offer more insight.

In this case the insight clearly offered the best possible answer to the original delicate question.

In describing what I was seeing and feeling, I realized that this is a technique I have been unconsciously using for years.

Here’s what to do if you want to try this technique the next time someone asks you a delicate question.

Rephrase the question and read for the rephrased question. If the cards that appear seem to speak to the original question, decide if the information they are offering is helpful to the querent. You may relay this information directly, or simply use this new information to adjust your tone, and help them set their expectations.

In the moment at the meetup, I referred to this technique as “backing into the reading”. Rather than answering a potentially upsetting question directly, we set up a circumstance where we could offer helpful information without being predictive. When the cards themselves came up making a prediction, we were able to decide whether to share that prediction, or how to let what we saw in those cards influence what we said to the questioner.

Now that I understand that I have been doing this with delicate questions for years, I am happy to be able to quantify this helpful technique and share it.

Do you ever back into a delicate reading? Is this something you might consider trying?

Holding Space at the Tarot Table

This post is for anyone who reads tarot for others, either professionally or casually.

This post is about some of the most difficult moments we encounter at the tarot table. That is, moments when we see our client’s grief, moments when we must suggest that our client’s perception of something may not be accurate or helpful, and moments when our client exposes an aspect of their personality or belief system that we ourselves find distasteful. There are certainly other difficult moments that might happen in a tarot reading, but we will leave those for another day.

Obviously, when dealing with many of these sorts of issues, a good tarot reader will strongly and firmly suggest counseling, therapy, or other mental health services. Very often we tarot readers are the first line of defense when it comes to emotional well-being. We can’t diagnose or treat our clients. We can help them see and normalize the fact that they might need treatment and encourage them to get it.

Holding Space for Grief

It is good and healing for readers to offer hopeful perspectives. Readers who see danger and despair at every turn and insist that their clients are in denial if they don’t see things this way can do real damage. At the same time, toxic positivity is pretty damaging, too. A good reader will not sugar-coat. However, a good reader will have difficult conversations with finesse and a delicate touch.

Very often, though, the most grievous things we see at the tarot table are not future potentials, but real tragedies which have already occurred. We may work with a client who has suffered a recent loss, or who has just received a devastating diagnosis.

A good example of a card that can let us know such a thing has occurred is the Five of Cups. This image often shows a person grieving over three spilt cups, when two remain standing. There are times this card can suggest a poor attitude, a victim mentality, or crying over spilt milk. Yet, over the years I have learned that when we see grief at the tarot table, whether in this card or others, we must acknowledge the pain rather than minimizing it. Accusing a person of being negative before we discover the circumstances is a newbie mistake no good tarot reader wants to make.

Some clients will be victims of their own spiritual bypassing and refuse to acknowledge their grief. When that happens, we can’t be pushy, but we can suggest that a time might come when they will need to experience their grief. Some of what we say in a reading may not be helpful initially. Sometimes pieces of a reading will stick with the client and be recalled at the right time, long after we ourselves have forgotten the reading.

Some clients will be holding on to a story of grief and loss from which they refuse to heal. In this case we need to acknowledge their pain before we offer strategies to help them move past it.

When clients are in real grief, we have to be careful to not minimize what they are feeling. When a loved one is recently deceased, we need to hold space for their pain and loss. We cannot offer comfort until we acknowledge how hard the process is. We cannot give clues for the way forward until we help them feel strong enough to walk that path. We cannot offer messages from the deceased without acknowledging that, while a mediumship experience is comforting, it is not the same as enjoying a meal in person with a loved one.

Many tarot readers are empaths. We must be able to experience a client’s grief with them without taking on so much that we impair ourselves, or let it stick with us after the reading is over.

Managing the energetic aspect of the reading is super important when the reading contains grief and sadness. We do that by having good psychic protection techniques in place throughout the reading process.

Holding Space for Truth

We see a lot of denial, anxiety, and fantasy at the tarot table. Many times, people come to us with a particular story. Over time I have learned to pull cards to check in on everything a client might tell me that could possibly be subjective. For example, ‘My boss hates me’, ‘My husband is a good man’, ‘I’m not very smart’, ‘I know this is the right relationship for me’, and so on.

Sometimes people build their entire life on a belief that turns out to be false. Sometimes they discover that belief is false in a tarot reading. When we are about to disturb the belief structure upon which a person’s life is currently built, we have to be very, very sure and very, very careful.

When we do this correctly the client ends up feeling free, empowered, and hopeful. When we humans lie to ourselves there is always a part of us that knows we are lying, even if it is deeply buried. For example, if my client believes her husband is a good man, but I see in the cards that he is behaving inappropriately in some way and the client confirms what I see, a golden opportunity presents itself.

“So, you and I both agree that you are abused in your marriage. If this is true, how does hanging on to the idea that your husband is ‘good’ help you?”

Once disabused of the story that her abuser is ‘good’, the client is free to decide how to best move forward. Then, we can pull cards on all the possibilities that are now accessible.

Imagine a client who believes himself to be less than intelligent. His understanding of his career and relationship possibilities are limited by that belief. The cards that you see in the reading tell you that your client is quite smart. The hard time he had in school was for reasons related to his environment, rather than his abilities. You can ask questions of the cards to help you build a case to your client that offers logical examples of his ability to learn and to process information. Now you and your client are free to explore new possibilities for his future.

The tarot techniques that work best in these situations involve asking many questions of the cards. Allow both logic and intuition to guide those questions. Use as many cards as you need in order to clearly find the information that will help you help your client best.

Holding Space for Growth

We don’t have to like all of our tarot clients. We don’t have to share the same political views, or the same taste in music or fashion. It is inevitable that we will find within some of our clients severe personality differences or character traits that we find distasteful.

It only makes sense to gently point out these areas of concern if you determine that they are negatively impacting your client’s own experience of their life.

For example, you might notice that your client is overly talkative and then discover they are having problems at work because of their communication style. At that point it might make sense to use the cards to explore why your client is so loquacious and to give them ideas on how to make changes.

Your client’s homophobic comments might understandably make you angry. Yet, it may not be helpful to enlighten them about your opinion of their belief system. However, you might see in the cards that their attitude is hurting them because it is hurting their relationship with a family member. Then, you might be able to pull some cards to help them find a different way to process what they have so far refused to understand. When you are able to do this, you can make a lifelong difference for an entire family.

We may not always like or enjoy our clients. Yet, we can hold them in compassion, and hold space to help them find a way to grow.

Very often, people seek tarot readings because they are going through difficulties. We tarot readers must be prepared to hold space for people who are not at their best. We need to be our best selves when others are at their worst. By doing so, we can offer the opportunity for healing, and a hopeful way forward.

Pro Tarot: When Compassion Makes You Crazy

Many years ago, in my office in Central Village, CT, I had a client who asked me a question that stuck with me for years.

The question was, “My boyfriend just got out of jail for allegedly molesting a child. I need daycare. Do you think I should let my boyfriend watch my child while I work?”

I found the question shocking and scary. I answered it without consulting my cards.

“Of course not! Why take a chance with your child?”

Years later, I’ve come to believe that I handled this situation badly. I should have kept an open mind, and done the reading.

Somehow, at the time, honoring the question with a reading seemed like participating in, and propping up, a certain kind of unhealthy thinking.

Just this week, in a conversation online, I was reminded of this when another reader posted about a seemingly obvious question that she refused to read on, for much the same reason that I had refused to read on that question so many years ago.

Most professionals have specific go-to analyses and advices. If a doctor sees your jaw is swollen, she will automatically assume you have a dental issue. If a police officer sees you driving erratically, he will automatically assume you have been drinking. A marriage counselor may always advise communication. A physical trainer may teach the same exercise routine to people of similar age and gender.

Sometimes these assumptions do turn out to be erroneous. Nonetheless, these assumptions allow professionals to efficiently serve their clientele.

These sorts of assumptions do not often help tarot readers.

While we tarot readers develop theories about life and spiritual beliefs that inform our practices, I think we need to avoid those professional go-to assumptions. If we catch ourselves talking about cards, people or situations in definitive, sweeping terms like “always” and  “never”, we have stopped being oracles and have started simply vomiting common wisdom.

I once knew a reader (thankfully no longer practicing) who, every time she read for a young girl in love, would put down the cards and launch into a pre-canned lecture about hormones, pheromones and neurotransmitters, and how the existence of these things proves there is simply no such thing as true romantic love.

While I have certainly met those who needed to understand the role biology was playing in their feelings and actions, this couldn’t have been sage wisdom for each and every young girl she read for.

Clearly, this older reader was coloring her readings with her jaded and unhealthy view, that love is impossible and nonexistent.

When I refused to do an actual reading for the client who wanted her ex-con BF to babysit, I was also inappropriately coloring my interaction with a client.

The social media friend who posted about refusing a reading said something that made me think. She said that the question she was asked made her angry out of concern for the client’s wellbeing.

This made me ponder the very few times in 25 years I have gotten angry at the tarot table. It happened, much to my dismay, just this past week, for the first time in many years.

Reading my friend’s comment made me consider something I had not thought of before.

It may be that we tarot readers, in our process of empathy, intuition, divination and communication, develop a strong desire for our clients’ happiness and wellbeing, perhaps because we can so clearly see their possible happy outcome.

When we see a client thinking or behaving in a way that feels unsafe and unwise, we sometimes get mad. I have often questioned what the trigger is for that anger. Now I realize it is compassion for the client, and frustration that we see they are making things harder on themselves.

While we are all human, becoming angry with a client for any reason doesn’t seem conducive to a good process. I know I have felt terrible the few times it has happened.

My desire for my client’s wellbeing and happiness is a good and natural thing. Most readers share that desire. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t do the work we do.

I think the mistake happens when we let our empathy for our clients become an attachment. Much like the physician who must accept their patience’s nicotine addiction, perhaps we must meet our clients where they are. We can suggest changes they can make, we can offer new perspectives, but we mustn’t attach to the idea that they have to change, or listen to us, or take our advice.

Many readers have complained to me about the clients who never seem to listen to them, but always come back with the same questions and problems.

It occurs to me that, not only must we release attachment to the hope that our clients will allow themselves to make positive changes, we must also never give up hope that they will, one day, heal.

Sometimes an addict must go to rehab many times before they really enter recovery. It took me many tries to quit smoking successfully.

Healing takes time and false starts, and people can’t heal until they are ready.

I think we tarot readers are at our best when we strive to be patient with people, and speak in gentle tones, rather than angry ones.

At the same time, the fact that our compassion for our clients is great enough to spark anger may be an important part of the psychic and energetic connection we make with them.

As in all things, balance is the key.

When is it Cool to Call People Out?

There is a growing trend in popular culture and social media to encourage people to speak out about the inappropriate behavior of others, and to name names.

I understand the concept of “silence equals consent,” and I understand that calling out bullies and harassers keeps people safer. Bullies and harassers only have power if we give them an environment in which to function.

I also know the courage to it takes to break silence and share our stories of abuse.

Sometimes our voices work to shine needed light into dark places.

Sometimes it is delightfully entertaining to call out hypocrisy, ego, stupidity and greed when we see it in the pompous, and the self-righteous.

I think, however, there comes a time that “calling people out” becomes another form of bullying.

When we decide to tell the entire world about someone’s transgressions, or when we issue an edict that none of our social media friends may also be friends with one who has offended us, I think we need to be clear about our motivation.

Calling people out is a way of protecting others from known dangers. Calling people out keeps bullies from lurking in the shadows and hurting others.

Sometimes, though, we name names because we are hurt, or offended. We want to strike back at someone whom we perceive has harmed us.

I think that is the moral line in the sand. Calling people out as a way of preventing further abuse helps our communities. Calling people out as a way of processing anger or hurt, or as a way of seeking revenge, can be a very low way of handling a problem.

Sometimes it takes courage to break silence. Sometimes it takes even more courage to keep it.