Spiritual Single Still Seeking a Soulmate? Here's 10 Thoughts That Aren't Helping!

There’s a particular stereotype about professional diviners that suggest we have at our tables a never-ending parade of lovelorn women seeking hope for their disastrous romantic situations.

The truth is, people at my table are just as likely to seek connection with loved ones in spirit, business advice, and understanding of family dynamics as they are information about their love lives. However, it is fair to say that some reference to romance appears in virtually every reading.

That’s because our intimate relationships are so definitive of, and connected to, our experience in life.

It’s not only heterosexual women who seek insight from diviners. Over the course of my career I have read for people of all genders in all sorts of relationship configurations.

While no two situations, relationships, people or problems are the same, there are some threads of commonality that have become very clear to me over a quarter-century of full-time professional divining.

One demographic amongst those who bring me questions about love seems to have a great deal of commonality. That group is spiritual singles who are hoping to find love. They may be male, female, gay, trans or straight – what they seem to have in common are some particular perceptions about love, dating and spirituality.

Some of those perceptions are helpful, others may be so damaging as to become a barrier from finding the love they so desperately desire.

If you are a single spiritual person hoping to meet someone special, or afraid you won't, see if you are harboring any of these dangerous perceptions. 

1. It’s too late. 

Other variations of this are, I’m too fat or I’m too old.

One thing that is true about love is that love has no limitations. But, if your thinking about the possibilities of love is limited you’ll have a harder time finding what you want.

2. There are no good single people around me. 

Yes, sometimes the dating pool is shallow. When every visit to Bumble or Match shows you the same gallery of the same usual suspects, and every trip to the local watering hole delivers the same, it’s easy to believe that there are just no good candidates to be found. Thinking that way, though, isn’t helpful. If the old haunts turn up the same old faces, it’s time to find new haunts! 

3. Relationships aren’t worth it anyway.

If you don’t know the profound value of a relationship, it’s because you haven’t yet had a good one. Have faith in the power of love. Really.

4. I can’t be happy until I find love.

If you can’t be happy without a relationship you will never be happy with a relationship. Cultivate your happiness now, as a single person, and you will have happiness to share with someone special.

5. I know this new relationship is THE ONE because we share a birthday.

Variations on this can include any sort of synchronicity, spiritual sign, omen or intuitive feeling.

The fact is, we often feel a sense of spiritual connection and rightness at the beginning of a relationship. Sometimes that is a sign of good things ahead. Sometimes it’s not. This is important because single people often waste a lot of time trying to make bad relationships work, or mourning the loss of relationships, because they have over-spiritualized those relationships. The more time we spend on folks who aren't right, the less time we have to find the one who is.

6. I’ve never felt this way about someone before, so I know it must be right.

A new feeling, or a new experience, does not necessarily translate into permanence. There could be many other reasons for your feelings, including infatuation, chemistry, horniness, or even  growth in your own capacity to make a connection.

7. He’s a Scorpio and I’m an Aries so we can’t be together.

Please, please don’t let sun signs keep you from exploring a relationship! A good astrologer can look at your charts and see what the compatibility, and potential problems, might be. And, any good astrologer will tell you that one can’t possibly assess compatibility based on sun signs alone.

8. I love my ex so much, I don’t think I can ever love anyone like that again.

Love is infinite in its capacity. You may not be able to imagine yourself with someone right now, just like you can’t imagine eating food after you’ve had a big meal. In a while, though, you’ll be hungry again.

9. I need to tell the Universe exactly what I want in a partner.

This can actually be a good exercise, but it’s not a necessary one. There are many common advices about what one must do to find a great partner. Some say you have to make that list, others say you have to actively date, others say the right one comes when you stop looking. All of these things will be true for someone, so do what feels right for you!

10. I am sure I will know my soulmate when I see her.

Love at first sight is a real thing, but we can’t know if it’s really love or just attraction until some time passes.  Assuming you’ll know it when you see it could cause you to miss a good opportunity, or to waste time with a bad one.

Additionally, the term “soulmate” can be counter-productive because sets up a lot of expectations. The fact is, there are very likely a few people on the planet who could be a good match for you. Often, we over-spiritualize the concept of love and partnership to the point that we make it feel more impossible than it is.

Love is all around us, yet often feels dishearteningly elusive. Ironically, when we see dating in a practical, logical way we can increase our chances of finding the amazing spiritual connection we seek.

Does your Relationship have a Future, and Does it Matter?

There is no denying that we do relationships differently, much differently, than in generations past. Yet, we often trot out our grandmother’s worn-out relationship wisdom to help us understand the complexities of modern life. Sometimes Grandma’s advice is timeless. Some of the time old relationship protocols just don’t translate well to our new world.

One of the standard and unquestioned rules of dating is to make sure your relationship “has a future.” The person you are investing time in must be “marriage material.”

If you want to get married and have kids, this is an essential rule. If you don’t want kids, you might want to rethink this rule. For you, the present may be more important than the future.

Sometimes we meet people who aren’t exactly “marriage material,” but who are really enjoyable to be around. If marriage is what you are looking for, these people are a waste of time for you.

However, if you are not interested in reproduction, or if your kids are already grown, the value of a relationship might be measured more in what it offers you in the present, rather than what it might secure for the future.

Generations ago, people formed relationships to ensure their survival. Now, we are perfectly capable of surviving on our own. Often, the purpose of a relationship can be recreation and enjoyment, rather than sharing work and resources.

These days not every relationship needs to have a future in order to be considered an appropriate relationship. Sometimes it really is ok to just be in the now, as long as everyone is on the same page.

In a rapidly changing world, it’s important to remember that the relationship norms of earlier times may not work for every person. The freer we feel to create the exact relationship that works for our unique situation, the more likely we are to find the simple happiness of love.

The Truth about New Relationships

Many times people are taken by surprise when their new relationships fail.

“I just know this is the one for me. We have a connection.”

The belief that you just lost your one chance at true love makes it hard to heal and move on.

The fact is this. Every new relationship has a phenomenal chemistry. Ever new relationship has an energy and a sense of destiny. That’s how relationships happen. Without that “new relationship energy” there would be no relationships at all.

We make a mistake when we assume that amazing feeling of being newly in love inherently means the relationship is meant to me.

Fifty years later, if you are telling the story of how you fell in love at first sight, then you know that “new relationship energy” held the promise of a future.

Here’s another thing. That couple that has been together for fifty years had some red flags about each other back in the beginning. Knowing that comes in handy when we are angry that we went ahead with a doomed relationship even though there were some red flags.

Just as every new relationship has that high-octane chemistry, every new relationship has some red flags. If you wait for a relationship that has no questions and no concerns, you will wait a lifetime.

The bottom line is this. Enjoy your new relationship, and see what happens. Make note of the red flags, and don’t attach to a particular outcome.  And, if you relationship ends, don’t kick yourself. Sometimes we have to explore opportunities that don’t work out.

Finding the right relationship is a numbers game. There are bound to be some that don’t work out. If you can simply enjoy getting to know another person without the pressure of worrying about the future, you will more easily find the person who is right for you.

Why you are a Magnet for Narcissistic Men and What you Can Do About it

Ladies, are you an a-hole magnet? Do all the men you date turn out to be more into themselves than they are into you? If it happens once, it’s just dumb luck. But if it happens multiple times, there might be a reason.

One likely reason is quite simple. You are not attracted to very many guys, but the ones you are attracted to all have something in common.

You like dynamic, charismatic guys.

You like their charm, their power and their wit. And when they turn their attention to you it makes you melt inside.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. But here’s the problem.

Many (not all) dynamic, charismatic guys are narcissistic. That’s why so many politicians are jerks. It’s a problem for women who like dynamic men exclusively.

The good news is this.

There are a few guys in the world who are dynamic and charismatic and compassionate. It is possible, though rare, for a person to have both the qualities you like and the qualities you need to have a good relationship.

You generally can’t change what attracts you. But you can manage the pitfalls.

When you meet someone you are attracted to be aware of the huge chance that this person will treat you badly. Be open to the relationship, but look for the red flags. When you see the red flags appear, don’t waste time! You’ve been there before and you know where this is going.

The problem is that the type of guy you need is rare. You need to spend more time looking for him than you spend trying to make a doomed relationship work or recovering from the damage.

If you can quickly weed out the trash, you will have time to find the gem that is right for you.

Five Simple Things to Know about Dating

As you can imagine, as a professional tarot reader I spend a lot of time talking about love.  Over the almost twenty years of my career, I have learned a few things that seem to be universally true.  I’ve listed five of them here.

Dating is a numbers game.  The more people you meet, the more chances you have.  It’s that simple.  One hundred failed dates don’t matter if the hundred and first makes you melt.

Never date anyone who is more screwed up than you are.  We are all damaged.  Try to find someone whose damage is no worse than yours.  It will make things a lot easier, and will keep you from being in the position of constant caregiver, or constant forgiver.

Try to see the worst in your potential partner.  When we love someone, we see the best they can be.  That’s the inherent power of love, and it’s a beautiful thing.  But everyone has a dark side.  Until you know the very worst your partner can be, you won’t know if there is a deal-breaker lurking around the corner.

Don’t bring leftovers to a new table.  It’s good to learn from the past.  Once you’ve got the lesson, though, you have to let the past be the past.  Don’t make a new partner pay for the bad behavior of your ex.  If you can’t grow past your “ex-periences”, you simply aren’t ready for a new relationship.

Don’t be a cynic, or a Pollyanna.  Love is everywhere, and yet it can seem to be the most elusive thing to find, and the most difficult thing to maintain.  Believe in love, no matter how much it has disappointed you in the past.  On the other hand, taking off the rose-colored glasses will allow you to make the right decisions.  Find the right balance, and know that healthy love relationships, unlike Santa and the Easter bunny, really do exist!  Love happens, and it can happen for you.

Meetup.com: One Website That Could Change Your Life

A poor economy and a rich internet have sealed the deal on the cocooning trend that started a few decades ago.  More and more, those of us who are lucky enough to still have homes spend a lot of time in them.  We don’t know our neighbors, and we connect with friends and family on Facebook more than in real life.

We like it that way.  We can control how much interaction we have with others, and can interact with them when it is most convenient for us.

At the same time, the biggest complaint you’ll hear from people, after the economy, of course, is that they are lonely.  Singles can’t meet anyone to hang out, let alone date.  Marrieds can’t find other couples to chill.

Meanwhile, folks with hobbies and interests that really are better when shared are desperate to find likeminded people.

Enter Meetup.com, a free website dedicated to getting you away from your computer.

Meetup.com is a very special social networking site.  Simply sign up for free, and enter your interests, your zip code, and how far you are willing to drive to attend a meetup. 

Meetups are events that you can attend, often free or low cost, to meet likeminded people and enjoy fun activities.

What comes back may amaze you.  For instance, if you entered “hiking” in Des Moines, Iowa, you could sign up to join a nature club for lunch and a birding expedition.  If you entered “knitting” in Hampton, Virginia, you could choose between five different fiber arts clubs.

Meetups can be classes, camping trips, happy hours, movies or dining experiences.  They can involve athletics, family activities, singles events or religious gatherings.  You might find a sewing circle, a book club, a coven of witches or a flash mob.

If you didn’t find what you were looking for, you could express interest to be notified when a new meetup group starts.

Of course, the more populated an area is, the more meetups there are.

It’s not perfect.  Some meetups aren’t well organized.  Sometimes it’s hard to find the meeting location.  Perhaps you might not enjoy the people you meet.

On the other hand, you might meet your next BFF, or even your next BF.  You might learn a new skill, see a movie premiere, or enjoy a dinner with friends. 

Meetup integrates with Facebook and Twitter, and is easy to use.  Even the technologically disinclined are able to use it.

Meetup is international.  Meetups happen all over the world.

You can start a meetup group yourself.  That part isn’t free.  To be a meetup organizer you pay a few dollars a month, and can organize as many as three different groups.

At the time of this writing, a check of Meetup.com revealed that forty-four Meetups were happening just now, worldwide.  They include electronic dance music in Toronto, Yoga in Huntsville, Alabama, and mountain biking in North Carolina.  Before the night ends, another fourteen hundred meetups will happen across the globe.  It’s Monday night.

Meetup.com’s current slogan is “Do Something, Learn Something, Share Something, Change Something.”

Definitely.